Foma.

While I was driving home from volleyball today, I started thinking about death and religion. I've never been a crazy Jesus enthusiast. I don't "feel" God's love or whatever. The idea of God and religion are more of a crutch that I use when faced with adversity. I then feel bad for only relying on God when things are tough so I try to devote some time to God even when things are easy. It's hard giving up your time and expending effort for something that you have no proof exists.

However, I recently thought of something that has made me into a huge believer. It relates to the fact that my biggest fear is that some day my mother will die. I cannot picture going through life without her. What's more, I cannot handle the idea that after she dies, I will never see her again. You see, I'm not really afraid of death. Sure, I don't want to die anytime soon but I wouldn't mind it terribly because I feel like I won't be aware enough to mind it (being non-existent and all). It's the death of those I love that plagues me. Their deaths I will feel and suffer through. I selfishly hope that I die before all of them. And even though I see little evidence for a God, this is the main reason I have to believe in one. I have to because the idea that one day my parents will die and I will never see them again is unacceptable.

They say religion is the opiate of the masses, that it is only for the weak. Well, I confess that I am weak and that believing in an all-powerful entity puts my mind at ease. I know I am lying to myself but if I don't dig too deeply, I find I can accept them. I guess you could call me a Bokononist because I certainly live by the harmless untruths that make me brave and kind and healthy and happy.